


Drowned in Moonlight

by scarletjedi



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, for Carrie Fisher
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 18:26:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9084265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarletjedi/pseuds/scarletjedi
Summary: Leia Dies.What, like that was going to stop her?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Carrie Fisher was an amazing woman who touched many people's lives. This is for you, Space Mama.
> 
>  
> 
> NEW! [ NOW IN CHINESE!](http://supplydepot.lofter.com/post/14f207_e117fda)thanks to FreezingCold!

_Oh,_ Leia thought, her hand going to her chest. _Like this?_

She sank to her knees, one hand braced against the console next to her, her breathing loud in her ears ( _like a respirator, a sound that had haunted her nightmares her entire life_ ). Under her hand, her heart fluttered, raced, and she could hear Poe, the dear, break off what he was saying--calling to her, calling for a medic, and rushing to her side. 

But her vision was tunneling, streaked with stars like hyperspace, and she knew--the way she knew that Luke was alive and that Han was not. 

_”Leia!”_

_Han,_ she breathed, and the world went dark. 

It was nearly comical--her own body giving out on her after so many close calls, so many times she _should_ have died, and _lived_. The dark irony of the universe that had led her life so far. She _should_ have known. 

Still, she never thought that it would be like _this..._

_And then the world went white. ___

__***_ _

__Leia opened her eyes. She was sitting in a garden, and her vision blurred with tears. She knew this garden--the scents of the flowers, the vibrant colors; her mother’s garden on Alderaan, long since so much space dust._ _

__”Well, why shouldn’t I be here?” she muttered, wryly. ”It’s as dead as I am.”_ _

__“There is no Death; there is the Force.”_ _

__Leia froze. She had never heard that voice before, not in life, but she knew it all the same. She turned towards the voice, leveling the figure that stood there with a glare known to bring politicians to their knees._ _

__Anakin Skywalker only smiled back, sad and knowing and rueful. Luke had a smile like that, and the sudden pain in her chest--nothing like the last pain she had felt, but aching all the same--made her pause. He seemed to be waiting for something, and when Leia realized what it was, she rolled her eyes, and shifted over on the bench._ _

__He grinned quickly, just a flash of brilliant teeth, but it was enough to know that Luke didn’t get their father’s grin. Leia had seen enough holos of herself to know who had inherited that feature. She didn’t want anything of his, not after everything he had done, but she had never expected..._ _

__Anakin sat next to Leia on her left. From this angle, she could see the scar that bisected his right eye, shallow enough to preserve his vision, but close enough that she knew there would have been real concern._ _

__“It’s sounds like so much _poodoo,_ I know, but, well.” Anakin spread his arms. “Here we are.” _ _

__Kriff, he even sounded like Luke. Whose bright idea was it to raise Luke on their father’s homeworld?_ _

__“Here we are,” Leia echoed, and then snorted. “I’ve seen enough death in my life to know that platitudes are for the living. So you can spare me.”_ _

__Anakin turned his head, but Leia could still see the grin he was trying to hide. “Very well,” he said. “You have a choice. It’s why I’m here. There are two paths set before you.” As he spoke, the garden shifted, and a forking path appeared before their bench. “One path leads you beyond; you will return to the Force that we all come from, and be at peace.”_ _

__“Peace sounds nice,” Leia said, but even as she said it, she wasn’t sure she believed the words. In her experience, peace had always meant work. Building. Fighting and infighting as people lost sight of what was truly important in face of their own comforts. Peace is what killed the Old Republic - Peace and stagnation. It was killing the New Republic now, in its infancy._ _

__Anakin shrugged. “The other path is much harder to walk, and requires not only training, but a constant effort to maintain. On the other hand, it will let you stay in the world a little longer, to speak with those who can listen, and to see what would be otherwise blocked from your sight.”_ _

__“Ghosts,” Leia said. “You’re talking about becoming a ghost, like Luke sees.”_ _

__Anakin nodded. “The same,” he said. “You’re not a trained Jedi, but you’re strong in the Force. It might actually be easier to teach you without the Jedi’s preconceived notions of life and death.”_ _

__“And you would train me,” Leia asked dryly, her eyebrow arched high._ _

__Anakin--Anakin _laughed._ “Oh, no. I would be a terrible teacher for you, I think. We’re too alike in ways we would neither admit to. I don’t want to find out if I can die twice.” He shook his head. “No. Obi-Wan is here; he’s been keeping an eye on that Rey girl and visiting Luke when he can. He could teach you.” _ _

__Leia nodded, but then narrowed her eyes. “Did he tell you that?” she asked, and Anakin froze._ _

__“Not...exactly,” he hedged. “But he’s Obi-Wan. It’s what he does.”_ _

__Leia made a face at him, one that never failed to make Ben confess when he’d taken sweets he shouldn’t have, or when Han made a deal without telling her, and Anakin sighed heavily. “You look just like your grandmother when you do that,” he said. “Fine. If you want to learn from me, you can, but I want you to remember that I gave you the option.”_ _

__“I haven’t made my decision to learn yet,” Leia reminded him. (But she had; she knew she had. She had never been one to let things go unfinished--to leave tasks to others she could do herself). She pursed her lips, tilting her head back to look at him. He was young--younger than her own son. She was so much older than him. Looking down at her hands, she ran her thumb over the swollen knuckles of her right hand. “If I choose the second path, is the first lost?”_ _

__Anakin shook his head. “No. That’s the balance you must strike. The first path is the natural way of things; it will _always_ be pulling you toward it. You must resist it to stay on this plane, in between, and when you finally decide to leave, you simply need to--let go.” _ _

__Leia nodded. Her hands clenched into fists. “And you’re certain I can learn.”_ _

__Anakin smiled. “You’re Leia,” he said. “I highly doubt there’s anything you couldn’t do.”_ _

__Except for the things she wanted most to do, of course. This, perhaps, could be the one thing. “Then I accept,” she said, and met his eyes squarely. “Teach me.”_ _

__Anakin nodded, far more formally than Leia had expected. “Then we begin,” Anakin said. “Your first lesson, is to center your focus. Feel the Force flowing through you.”_ _

__Leia sighed and closed her eyes._ _

__***_ _

__Leia wasn’t sure how long she spent with Anakin. Time had no meaning in that garden, but it seemed to pass in days, in weeks, in months--and yet, in the span of a single afternoon._ _

__All too soon (not nearly soon enough), Leia opened her eyes from a meditation to find herself sitting cross-legged in a shallow cave. The sky outside the cave was grey with the kind of persistent, threatening damp that seemed to define Alderaanian autumn--but it wasn’t Alderaan, of course._ _

__She couldn’t smell anything, and couldn't feel anything either--although she knew it was cold. It had to be, because sitting across from her, mirrored in position, was Luke--his lips tinged blue. Even after so many years in space, Luke had never lost his desert blood._ _

__She looked around, spotting a small pit where he had allowed his fire to die to embers._ _

__“You’re going to get frostbite,” she said, without thinking. “Again.” And this time, there weren’t any bacta tanks to save him._ _

__Luke’s eyes shot open, and he stared. “Leia?” He asked, aloud. His voice was nearly broken, deep and rough from disuse. Hadn’t Rey found him by now? Why was he left alone like this?_ _

__He wasn’t alone now, and Leia smiled at him. “Hello, Luke,” she said._ _

__“I felt--” Luke cut himself off, but his hand raised, shaking, to rub at his breastbone. “I thought it would kill me, too.”_ _

__Leia sighed, softly. They had used to say, at the darkest point of the war, that if any of them were to die, then they were all dead--Luke meant it more than most. After learning the truth and spending thirty years with her brother, Leia could understand it--but she had lived without Luke for most of her life. She would have been able to survive past him._ _

__Luke, it seemed, would live too. If he didn’t get frostbite._ _

__Luke smiled at her; it was weak and looked strange through his beard, but it was a smile. “I’m not going to get frostbite,” he said, and Leia rolled her eyes._ _

__Good. Apparently the connection they had as twins was strong enough to last beyond death. “Of course not. Because you’re going to rekindle that fire.” Luke raised an eyebrow at her, and she crossed her arms. “Now.”_ _

__Luke raised a hand, and a moment later, the fire leapt into being burning and crackling merrily. He raised his eyebrows at her spreading his hands. “Better?”_ _

__“Much,” Leia said. She couldn’t feel the heat, of course, but some of the tension in Luke’s shoulders had begun to ease. “I’ve missed you, all these years.”_ _

__Luke closed his eyes. “I’ve missed you as well,” he said, his voice hoarse._ _

__Leia looked around. “Has Rey...?”_ _

__“Yes,” Luke said. “She’s retreated to the Falcon. We both felt--” Luke cut himself off. “She may have been hiding from me.”_ _

__“You need to go back, you know,” Leia said._ _

__Luke sighed. “I know,” he said. “I’ve known. She’s very gifted, and disciplined like you wouldn’t believe, but she’s not ready--but I don’t know how to prepare her further.”_ _

__“You’ll figure it out,” Leia said. “The Resistance needs you.”_ _

___The Resistance needs you,_ he didn’t say, though she heard it all the same. “It needs her more,” Luke said. He sighed. “I’ll tell Chewie to ready the Falcon.” _ _

__“Good,” she said. “I’ll be watching.”_ _

__Luke looked sad and pleased and then Leia was back in the garden once more._ _

__***_ _

__Leia watched Chewie, Luke, and Rey load up the Falcon. There were so few of them left these days--they’d left so much on the shoulders of the next generation._ _

__Leia wandered the Resistance base, checking in on her pilots. On Poe and on Finn. Threepio seemed listless, and Leia was happy to see BB-8 watching him._ _

__The Resistance soldiered on. The Falcon returned, bringing Rey and hope, and Leia knew their future was in strong hands._ _

__***_ _

__Leia couldn’t find her son._ _

__The man known as Kylo Ren had all but disappeared. Leia found the Starkiller General Hux, still alive, unfortunately. He looked terrible, and Leia was pleased to see it. Heavy bruises under his eyes gave them a sunken, skeletal look. The New Order wasn’t doing so well, was it._ _

__But months passed, and there was still no sign of her son, or the thing her son had become._ _

__Until one day Leia left the garden and realized that Anakin was walking with her. He had never followed her before. (They were on slightly better terms, now. Leia could admit that this Anakin Skywalker bore little resemblance to Darth Vader, and she was nothing if not a very well-trained politician. She could keep civil if she needed to--though she was afraid she was coming to like him more than she wanted to.)_ _

__“You’re looking for your son,” Anakin said. Leia nodded. “I know where he is, but it won’t be easy to get to him.”_ _

__“I have to try,” Leia said._ _

__Anakin nodded. “Of course,” he said, and paused at the shadowed entrance to a side path. “This way.”_ _

__Leia’s brow furrowed, but she followed all the same._ _

__The last time Leia had felt such darkness, she had been in the presence of the Emperor himself. The garden twisted and warped as they walked; the gentle trees turned gnarled and grasping. The sun was blotted out from the sky, replaced by a single red bolt of light, frozen in time. It turned everything to shadow and fire._ _

__Leia set her jaw and walked on, following the bright point that was Anakin, her father and teacher in these things. Around them the winds whipped a storm, but still the carried on._ _

__If this was the Dark Side, Leia could see how men would become lost trying to tame the power of this storm; how it had consumed her father, and then her son--but it held no temptation for Leia; her anger was too focused for the wild winds, her rage too crystallized for the shifting ground beneath their feet. Her hope was too bright to be swallowed by shadow._ _

__And then they were in a dark room, made of rough stone and empty and echoing. It took a moment for Leia’s eyes to adjust, but her senses were still sharp; alone in the middle of the floor knelt her son._ _

__He was naked from the waist up, pale and shivering, covered in sweat and blood. His arms were held out at his sides as if tied there, and his head hung heavy on his neck. His hair fell in dirty tendrils, covering his face._ _

__Anakin stood next to her, his posture impossibly rigid as he looked at her boy. “Is he a prisoner?” she asked, her voice ringing loudly in the room._ _

__“Of a kind,” Anakin said. “All those who give themselves fully to the dark find themselves slaves to it, soon or later.” Leia looked at him, surprised by the vitriol in his voice. He bared his teeth at her. “I’ve been trying to reach him, to convince him not to make my mistakes, but what little he heard of me before, he does not hear me now.”_ _

__Leia nodded and stepped forward._ _

__“He won’t hear you, either,” Anakin warned._ _

__“I am his mother,” Leia said. “He’ll listen.” _At least, he will if he knows what’s good for him,_ she thought. _ _

__She stopped just in front of her son, looking down at the top of his head. The last time she saw him, he was already taller than she was; it was wrong for her to be looking down at him now. In her mind’s eye she could see him as he was, her own sweet boy with her own dark eyes, and his father’s laughing smile. She crouched down in front of him._ _

__“Ben,” she said. “Ben, sweetheart, can you hear me?”_ _

__For a moment, there was only silence, and then her son took a deep, rattling breath. “Ben is dead,” he said. “I killed him.” Then, he raised his head, and looked straight at her. His eyes were completely black, and filled with the void. “Mom?” he asked, his voice Ben’s and shaking, and then he spoke again in that graveyard rattle. “You’re dead, too. Such a quaint little family, all _dead_.” _ _

__Leia slapped him._ _

__She wasn’t surprised that her hand made contact--she knew it would. He certainly seemed surprised, when he gaped at her._ _

__“You hit me,” he said._ _

__“Yes, I did.” Leia said. “Are you really so surprised?”_ _

__His mouth worked for a moment. “You can’t hit me!”_ _

__“And yet, I did,” Leia said. Then, she slapped him again. “Hurts, doesn’t it.”_ _

__The man who was once her son snarled, lunging forward as it to bite her, to rend her with his teeth like an animal. He stopped short, held back by the chains around his wrists._ _

__He strained, panting, and Leia smiled. “Oh, Ben,” she said, and cupped his cheek. “Anger is a trap, bonds that bind you fast. It is only when you work past and through your anger that you learn to break your chains.” It was a lesson she had learned long before Ben was born, and one that she learned and relearned almost every day._ _

__She stood and turned to walk away, the panting behind her far too irregular to be a respirator; it did not bring the nightmares of her youth. (It would bring, instead, a new nightmare, if she let it)._ _

__“You’re just leaving me here?” the man who was her son cried after her, and she stopped, looking up into the face of her father._ _

__“I cannot free you, Ben,” she said. “Only you can free yourself. As your grandfather did.”_ _

__Anakin smiled, and Leia reached out her hand._ _

__***_ _

__Leia sat in her mother’s garden. It was morning, and the sun was just rising pink and gold over the mountains on the horizon. It was peaceful in the hour when the day began. Anakin wouldn’t be there until later, if he came at all. He didn’t always, these days._ _

__She traveled less. Luke was with the Resistance, and Rey was well on her way to changing the galaxy. Finn was awake and had healed remarkably well, though he’d always carry the scars of that day. Poe had stepped into the void caused by her death, and was a leader she would happily follow._ _

__Ben was still trapped in darkness. She did not know if he would free himself, but she believed that he _could._ _ _

__If he tried._ _

__There were steps behind her, and she stiffened; those were not the fast steps and even of Anakin--these steps sauntered, and she could _hear_ the swagger. She closed her eyes. _ _

__“Well, your worship,” Han said, standing right behind her, and putting his hands on her shoulders. “What’s next?”_ _

__Leia smiled, knowing it was wet with tears and not caring. She reached up and gripped his hand hand in hers._ _

__“Oh,” she said, and turned to face him. His face, young and unlined and oh, so handsome, smiled down at her with that damned twinkle that never failed to make her melt. Her hand, where it gripped his, was smooth though no less calloused. Han rubbed his thumb over her knuckles in an old, familiar gesture._ _

__“You know,” she said, “peace sounds nice.”_ _

__

**Author's Note:**

> _For Carrie_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _“I think that would make a fantastic obituary. I tell my younger friends that no matter how I go, I want it reported that I drowned in moonlight, strangled by my own bra.”_


End file.
